how are we stopping Shaq this year?

hit him so he throws free throws - Hack-a-Shaq

put Randolph on him - Zach-a-Shaq

attach RFID tags to him to know his movements - LoJack-a-Shaq

chase him with paparazzi - Kodak-a-Shaq

induce vomiting - Ipecac-a-Shaq

overfeed - Snack-a-Shaq

plague him with car trouble - Click & Clack-a-Shaq

trample him with ungulates - Yak-a-Shaq

distract him with the new SUVs - Cadillac-a-Shaq

abandon him in the Land of the Lost - Sleestak-a-Shaq

betray him to the North Koreans during CIA operation - Blowback-a-Shaq

occupy him with learning a Urinals cover song - Ack Ack Ack-a-Shaq

weigh him down with Bloomin' Onions and steaks- Outback-a-Shaq

lower the temperature in the arena to an absurd degree - Anorak-a-Shaq

get him drunk - 6 Pack-a-Shaq (a.k.a. BuyBack-a-Shaq)

give him the subgenius lowdown about Yetis & Pink Boys, and mentally prepare him for X-Day so he thinks basketball is unimportant - Slack-a-Shaq

release the bears - Kodiak-a-Shaq

suck most of the blood out of his body - Drac-a-Shaq

kick in balls - Nutsack-a-Shaq

convince him that he is the messiah - Kwisatz Haderach-a-Shaq

have Steve Albini produce his new album - Big Black-a-Shaq (a.k.a. Shellac-a-Shaq)

put him on an album of syrupy duets - Burt Bacharach-a-Shaq

remix! - Bring that Beat Back-a-Shaq

at Staples Center, have Nicholson moon him to distract - Jack's Crack-a-Shaq